Monday, October 22, 2012

Pauwel Kwak 8.4%

I borrowed some DVD's from a buddy.  He races for a rival team.  A team known for having the worst team kit in Ontario.  I'm not mentioning names, but man , it's bad.

The DVD in question is Troy, with that guy Brad Pitt.  In a nutshell.......this movie sucks, and I would rather go to prison than watch it again.  That guy who plays David Banner in the Hulk movie is a shitty actor and he is one of the crap points of this movie.

I rode with some guys tonight and we did our east end Toronto loop.  Not really fast, but fast enough to get my attention.  I posted tonight's ride on Strava but didn't get so much as a 3'd place ribbon of lies.
I say ribbon of lies because after a lot of rides I upload all my shit and it shows a medal with a 3 or a 2 in it , so  I  click on it but , to my total dismay and anger I really only got a 35th of 78, or something like that.  Like WTF???  Why does it do that????  Stupid Strava crap.

Then, as if by some sort of heaven sent  sweet caramilk mystery I went to the Liquor store for some delicious beers and found that my LCBO location had Kwak available for purchase.  I grabbed several.  Now, I am normally the dick who insists  on the correct glass for the correct beer...........on this occasion I had no Kwak glass.  I know it's sort of like a weird  pilsner glass but taller and needs a stand to hold it up.  So I just grabbed an imitation Duvel glass and went to town.  It's taste was delicious to me....... like a good greek giro. With less feta.  8.4%.  It's strong, a tripple in my books.  But it didn't have that heavy booze taste that some tripples and quadruppels have. I thinking of La Trappe Quadruppel actually.  If a guy wasn'r careful he could really drink himself into oblivion with this.  Those strong beers (Affligem Tripple, Chimay white cap, Westmalle Tripel....) can be deadly.  They are so smooth and creamy and tasty you are on your fourth , and forgetting how to operate your remote control, in no time.

Tomorrow morning at 5:40am I will start my normal Tuesday ride/race. The Morning Glory west end crit.  It's a genius idea.  A pile of strong riders head out before the traffic starts and race for about an hour.  Some guys from VinylBilt, the occasional Wheels of Bloor guy, a few Lapdogs, and a pile of Morning Glory racers all converge in some arena of pain and suffering in darkness and suffering ....and pain.....and whatnot.

I took a picture of my beer and suicide wings tonight to post on here but I can't see them on my desktop.  So I am posting this pic of Boots en route to a podium at the Preston St. Crit in Ottawa.  BAM CODE X!!!!!!!

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Vamanos Pest

Lately I have been getting up at record early times so I can go out an ride.  The Morning Glory west end ride begins at 5:40am.  But today I drove out to Kitchener to ride with a pal at 7:30am.  We took and awesome route from Kitchener out to Cambridge, through Roseville, New Dundee and whatever the hell else you wanna put in there.  I have so many good friends because of cycling, it's one of  the best things about riding/racing ......all the awesome people you get friends with. We banged off a decent paced 60km on some pretty good rollers on roads with little-to-no cars.  With only one motorcyclist illustrating his mental deficiencies.

Then , earlier this evening an idea hit me like a dance club sucker punch.  My son had been awake all day, so with this instinct I have recently developed I was able to surmise that he will be tired and go to bed early.  So , why don't I put the last nail in the coffin and make him walk up to the Liquor store with me?   I grab a few Chimay's............then I see this new weird looking bottle in the shape of a Buddha.  It's some Chinese Beer called Lucky Buddha.  I bet they don't call it that in China, so it's probably marketed for Westerners who also like to think they understand the concept of karma.  My plan is to do a side by side taste test almost just like I did several weeks ago with Duvel Moortgat and Molson Canadian.  (Spoiler Alert!!!!!!! Canadian got slaughtered, because it's a crappy watery tasting , bland, no hoppy, no anything but a bit of head Beer).

Rucky Buddha.  It's capped, not twist off.  Score one point.  Cool bottle.  Score second point.  I opt to pour it into a tall DeKoninck glass as the smell and colour reminded me a bit of that beer.  It had a small head after being poured and it smelled ok.  Unlike Grolsh which often smells like total skunk ass.  But after trying it thought to myself , I know what I hate...and I don't hate this.  Which isn't to say I would buy it ever again, but I won't bash the crap out of it like 100% of the beers ''brewed" at the big 3 breweries.
It's smell also reminded me of whatever I used to drink when I was 17---  Superior lager was often the beer of choice as it was dirt cheap.  I wonder if that stuff is still around?  Anyways, this Buddha beer smelled good and didn't taste like crap but it was about 5% lighter than what I normally enjoy.  So it was a pretty average beer for the commoners who enjoy products like Wonder bread, Trek Bicyles, BBQ sauce instead of hot sauce,   Kung Fu instead of BJJ, Blackberry phones, Cold Play and U2 and crappy average shitte like that.   Lucky Buddha scores a whopping 5/10 on the Trev scale of awesome beer quality.  I recommend this beer to slightly heavy but lovely bastards like Rob Stoeser.  It would go well with a extra large pizza with a lot of cheese and a bottle of sweet Frank's Extra hot.

About 45 seconds after I got up and decided not to drink any more Buddha beer I reached for a delicious and nutritious Chimay (it took me 4 tries to spell nutritious correctly just then) .  What can I say about one of the finest Trappist beers that hasn't already been said by mouth's with brains?  At 7% I would guess those monks consider this a possible trippel.  I think.  I think a dubbel is reserved more for the 6% ballpark and below, but whatever.  I once heard an insane man say that Chimay Red was a bit too chewey.  He sounded insane and should have been medicated.  I agree that Chimay white cap is superior to Premiere but only just.
Everyone should drink Chimay , and also later drive to  a Molson or Labatt brewery and whip their  giant trappist bottles into the parking lot so they will know you don't like, and won't put up with crappy beers .  I  mean, we're not talking about cheese slices here, where even the crappy no name brand slices are still pretty good.  Trappist beer is for people with a pouch who also shun the mainstream.

In the cursed earth 
Where mutants dwell 
There is no law 
Just a living hell 

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Insanity is what I am/ Shower Beers

Say my name!!!!!!!   I am the man who killed Gus Fring!!!!!

I just wanted to get that out of the way.

A frequent and consistent phenomenon in my life is the process of winding down apres work (as they say in french)  and in doing so  who doesn't enjoy a tasty and refreshing shower beer?  Whomever said that showers are just for having unprotected sex with girls you met on   C'mon....the shower can be a wondrous (correct spelling BTW) for engaging in 1 of many activites.  1. you can wash all the days dirt off of your body. 2. you can shave your legs and/or balls, if that's how you choose to live your life.....or you can just stand there , with old Slayer blasting in the background and drink on .  The boiling hot water is the prefect juxtaposition to the cold as hell beer that is pouring down your thoat.  I don't even fuck around with just a bottle like a farmer would do, I bring  the proper glass or a near perfect accompanying   glass.  You heard me punchy.

The kid likes his beer in the shower.  Anyone who says that its retarded or anything less than totally awesome is a moron ., because you shouldn't really put any stipulation on when quality beers are to be consumed.  A hot or even cold shower is only made better by an accompanying cold beer.

Anyways.................I rode the Morning Glory ride/race this morning at 5:40am.  I love these guys.  Genius's!!!!  Anyone who organizes a bike race at that time is pretty AOK in my books.   Todays loop was awesome and my heartrate was insane.  In fire, baptized.  Wipe the virtue from your eyes.  It's my new goal to get more and even stronger racers to frequent this awesome race.

Men with Balls

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I learn something important from each fresh defeat

This past weekend.......  I recall it  much like one recalls a dream.  I think it was late Friday evening.  A potential customer of mine calls me to inquire about some pricing.  We discuss the job and nearly agree on a price.  He then slyly says 'do you like beer? I can give also you a couple of vouchers for a couple of free cases'.  My initial thought is 'ok', but  with computer-like quickness I assessed the deal, and as if using nothing short of total  instinct I replied 'As long as it's not Labatt's'.  His reply was of course Labatt's.  I cringed a quiet cringe then  we agreed the job would commence on Monday.

In this world there are snobs and assholes. I'm a snob.  I write a beer blog that's snobbish against the big beer breweries.  I write from a snobby standpoint about everything from the state of blogs worldwide to the freakin' World Order.  Later today I will go to the beer store to redeem 1 of my free cases of beer.  It pains me to try and decide which well marketed box of crap to buy. If that's not being an asshole then I don't know what is!i=2021697056&k=ZGPNJ9b

We raced the Wheels of Bloor Horseshoe Valley .  This race was well anticipated by a lot of racers as the course was new, longer than usual and it was WOB first (hopefully not last ) attempt at organizing a race. Of course there were a few wrinkles in the organization, routes and whatnot but overall most were thankful and thought it was a wicked race.

In my wave we started 2 minutes after the Master 1/Senior 1,2 wave. ( Possibly a bit soon, as we did catch them in the first 20-25 minutes or so.)  But no matter........I lined up .  The sky threatened rain, like it had been most of the week.  The rain is like a secret weapon.  It instills fear into the hearts of some men, and breeds strength, courage and saddles sores in others.  We completed our 4km neutral start, I felt muscular and compact.  Like corned beef.  I knew this race was going to go well.  Little did I know all the work at the front was taking it's toll on my legs, now weakened from many weeks of sporadic riding,  all day trips to the beach with my son, and and unusually good selection of Trappist beers at the downtown liquor stores.  With less than 3kms to go both my legs began to cramp .  I yelled a frustrated yell, and kept pedaling the only way I knew how-by turning one leg after another , in quick succession .  I crossed 30 seconds behind.  Curses!!!!!

I later went home to enjoy several fantastic beers that I rarely get to imbibe.  Those beers made me remember that I had 2 cases of Labatts coming to me.  Which in turn forced me to drink was a vicious circle.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Canadian Cyclist WOB thread

Sorry everyone, I thought this would be a better outlet than the Canadian Cyclist forum for this topic.  It went a little out of control.  My apologies to anyone who feels they got slandered, and anyone on my team.
I could never have guessed it would get that dirty.

I just thought this would be a forum and fun outlet but it turned very black, very fast.  I think there are a lot of good guys on WOB and also VinylBilt, as well as the entire Master peloton, so I think a lot of the guys who were posting cruel stuff on here represent a small portion of them.   Thanks, and sorry again.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Castro's Lounge

Saturday night is alright for drinking if you don't have a race the next morning, and on this past weekend I had no race.  We set out for Castro's Lounge in the Beaches area of Toronto.  I decided that we had to meet there because I knew they had Westmalle there.  I had been there once before , but like an oaf I didn't look at the beer menu.  I saw that they had Delerium on tap and I just kept ordering that.  Which in and of itself isn't a huge problem, but being in a bar that sells all the Trappist ale's (save the new Gregorios Trappist)....I should have taken a look.

Castro's does boast a picture of the Branch Davidian's David Koresh on the wall which was  pretty cool

We sit down, my pal Tom and I.  With our wonderful dates.  He says to me "this beer list is going to blow your mind'.  It doesn't disappoint.   But tonight I'm in Trappist mode only.  (and by the way , anyone who reads this blog and hasn't at least tried some Trappist Ale is a total idiot). I order a Westmalle.  This is maybe my favorite beer I've had so far.  9.5% and it goes down like a light beer.  Westmalle is a serious beer. It's good enough that I don't risk sullying the evening with any food.  Castro's Lounge has a very cool laid back feel to it....but people don't go there for the stellar service or the awesome menu.  The service isn't bad, but it's not , say, The Bier Bistro.  The food is pretty crappy I'm told by my tablemates.  I wouldn't know cuz I don't dig on swine.

The order of my beer consumption is as follows, and should you find yourself there in the future, or in the past please follow my lead.  I know what I'm doing.  Westmalle Tripel. Rochefort 10. Westvleteren 8, Orval. Now I'm getting drunk.  But I'm not screaming Deicide lyrics or throwing chairs around.  The biggest flaw I can find with this pretty cool establishment is that as serious as they take their beer, they don't have their shit together when it comes to the correct glass.  For each beer I ordered they brought me the wrong kind of glass.  Rochefort doesn't come in a tulip glass. Rochefort uses a chalice or even a wide mouth chalise.  Their efforts were lost on my superior knowledge and palette.

Rocherfort in a tulip glass....has this world gone topsy turvy?

They weren't too far off on the Westvleteren glass.

Considering that they take the care to have all the beers that they advertise, in stock  unlike the BierMarkt Esplinade, that magically 'just ran out'. I will  give a shoutt out for that.  The wrong glasses thing was a real disappointment and I think they need to remedy that if they want to remain one of the city's coolest exotic beer pubs . I didn't actually try any of the food there but all 3 of my friends agreed that the food looked and tasted as if quality was job #2.  Again, I won't say the service was great, but it wasn't bad per se. None of the servers were bitches.  They did screw up our bill by adding 3 $10 beers , but when I questioned it they quickly fixed the problem.  

I'm going out on a limb here and I hope no one tries to cut it off on me.  I would still and will still go back there several more times this week.  I am going to give it an 8.5% out of 10.  If they fixed the glasses thing they are a 9% or more.  Hell they can hire  stinky hippies or ugly women with their kids birthdays tattoo'd across their chest, I wouldn't care , I like the place

Monday, July 23, 2012

Seven Churches, seven priests

I'm sure I'm going to get into this self-appointed new assignment of comparing beers.  I've always had a sort of black or white kind of attitude towards most things.  So I find it pretty easy to totally flog a beer that's not top shelf material.

Tonight's night off brings me to 2 totally different beers.   Representing the dark side I have purchased Leffe Brun, and representing  the pale side I have Alexander Keith's India Pale Ale.

Opening a Leffe is almost like opening an awesome Christmas or birthday present, like if someone gives you a Possessed-Seven Churches 7" record, but cooler because its got a this gold-leaf like tinfoil around the neck.  I like it.

I'm not crazy about the new logo, but it's deliciousness hasn't changed a bit

I crack the Leffe and the first thing I can smell is a hint of Caramel.  (Not Carmel, I hate when people say carmel) . I pour it into it's home and the delicious foam rides to the top. Confirming to me that I am nothing if not a masterful pourer. It smells so good.  You know the smell when you are in one of the U-Brew-it  breweries and your mouth is watering?  Like that.  Doesn't smell like bad beer breath, or beer soaked t shirt, or spilled beer or any of the other gross beer related smells.  It just smells like something you want to put in your mouth.  I would seriously consider wearing a Leffe Brun cologne if there was one.  Just drinking it makes all your worries go away, except if it makes you remember how much money you have spent in the past on crap beer, or how much daycare in Toronto costs.  Of all the Belgian beers that I buy this one is the only ones that tastes nothing like anything else.  A total original.  Superior to Leffe Blonde even and one of the best darker Abbey beers ever.

They should qualify that the word "pale" means it pale's in comparison to drinking warm flat Budweiser

Keith's India Pale Ale.  They have really done a diservice to the IPA title and community.  Unless I'm a total idiot (remember no gray area) IPA's were brewed originally to last the entire ship voyage from Britain to India, so they used more hops and more alcohol to retard spoilage.   But c'mon....this can of creamed crap only has 5% alcohol and I can barely taste anything hoppy.  In fact, it's almost absent of any taste.  Its got less fizz than Coors Lite, so it feels rotting apple juice.  There isn't really too much head when it's poured.  It's the flattest beer I've ever had.  As any one who has read more than one of my blogs will surely tell you , I'm not normally prone to hyperbole, but this is one tasteless beverage.  I have had some Pale Ale's before.  I really like Gouden Carolous Ambrio , which I have shown in this blog last year .  That beer has some bite!!! This Keith's Pale ale is like eating a loaf of bread that's been soaking in dirty dish water all day.  Boooo to you guys.  Grow a vagina and learn how to make beer. 

Friday, July 20, 2012

Fairies wear boots

I find myself alone and drinking a lot of strong beer some nights. I imagine it has something to do with partial child custody......being 5 minutes from a great Liquor/Beer store.........

I was flying.  I could taste vomit .

So yesterday I buy a pile of delicious trappist beers as well as some Leffe and Duvel.  As I walk over to pay I see some lonely cans of Molson Canadian lager.  I used to drink that crap when I was a stupid mountain biker. So I came up with a great plan to do an A to B taste test.   Like Pepsi to Coke.  Or Honda to Toyota. Or chicken to KFC.

So first I grab my trusty steel bottle opener.  I got it from a bar that sells Stella, the manager gave it to me.  It's a nice piece.  I crack open a sweet Duvel and pour it into the corresponding glass.  It looks like a goddamn waterfall of joy and bliss.  Smells like a good dream.  The smell of fruit and spice is damned glorious.   I know beer better than I know spices so  I may be off on my comparisons but I think I can taste corinader and pear .  The head is thick and takes forever to calm down.  I don't even know how long, as I drink it too quickly.  It taste's so good it makes me angry that other beers even exist.  I want to go burn down breweries that make shitty beers, punch their wives and children in the face and kick all the stupid employees in the nuts.  I don't understand why someone wants to make a beer that tastes like .....nothing.  Let's take Coors Lite as the gold standard for shit beer.  There is no reason to drink it.  it's 4%, so you can't get drunk on it.  It has no taste.  Like a lasagna made by a mother who is afraid to go near a spice rack.  No discernible taste.   Just bubbles.

This brings me to my second beer.  The mighty Molson Canadian.  For a short period I drank this beer, many years ago.  I was in bad place.  I had yet to experience the glory that was Leffe Brun.  So my standards we low.
Anyways, this beer has no real smell, except to equate it with that of a crappy alternative dance club at 2:00am.  Similarly, it has no real taste.  Sure it has the fizz that all great beers have.  That's the easy part.  Perrier mastered that. So Molson shouldn't have an issue either.  The problem with Canadian is that they call it "Canadian" as though a bland , low alcohol  by volume beer is representative of our nation.   Why don't they try putting ingredients on the bottles?  I want to know what type of beer flavoring they use , and how little wheat, barley and hops they use as opposed to corn product.  Maybe I'm wrong.  maybe they have half a dozen angry monks living there at the brewery near the airport in Toronto.  Retarded unionized monks that specialize in making really weak, tasteless beer that almost always leaves the drinker with a deadly hangover.  Not me. Not this sucker.  I'm going to drink one more devil beer before bed, then I'm going to do the 120km Donut ride at 9am.

Regardless......Molson beer is to beer what Walmart is to customer service.   Duvel is to beer what  Bruce Lee, Eddy Merckx and Ron Burgundy are to men.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Stupid Terra Cotta ride May 27th

Today was a day like a lot of other really hot days.  Basically just a regular day , but hotter than most.
Regardless, I headed into Wheels of Bloor to pick up a tube and then started riding. It was only 23 or 24 degrees out so it was perfect for a good 60k ride.   Shortly thereafter I meet up with a dude from the Morning Glory Team.  He persuades me into going way further than I intended.  We ride from downtown out to Terra Cotta.  The distance wasn't the problem it was the heat.  It was getting hotter by the minute.  I only had 2 bottles, but also had no food.  I had intended to just do laps at the Crit course , hit a store on the way back and I would be good.  So this guy Hanz takes me out way past where I want to go, granted it's a nice ride, but my leg just aren't turning.  I kept falling off his wheel, and I don't even think he was pushing it.

We stopped at a small fruit market for more water and some apples.  We each bought 3 waters, all of which were done by the time we got home.  The temperature at the market was 33 degrees in the shade and that felt great compared to being in the sun.  I wager it was closer to 40 on the road.


So we ride back into Toronto with nary a hit and run scare.  Those guys from the Morning Glory team all seem , so far, to be really great guys.  Hanz, told me that he works for the guy who invented Paypal, and who also owns Tesla Electric cars.  The company, not just the cars.

Official rules of the Euro cyclist states tan lines must be crisp and defined

I inhaled this in 2 minutes

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Prestige Worldwide II

When I was about 11 yrs old I  lived in North York, which is on the north end of Toronto.  In the summer we all used to play at this ravine, there was a small river and trails going through the trees .  It was great fun.  I often tried to coerce my Mom into letting me camp down there with my friends.  She never gave in.  Another great part about the ravine was this storm drain outlet into the creek. It was a huge tunnel that frequently poured  rain water into the creek that eventually drained into Lake Ontario.  We were able to get inside this huge sewer tunnel if the water was low.  There was a steel cage over the entrance but with a little work we could always crawl beneath it.  It wasn't gross and infested with rats as I had always imagined.  It was dark but not dark enough to scare us.  We could tunnel our way up for a while until we hit the  ladders that would take us up to the Man-Holes on the street above.

One time (my last time) we went down into the tunnels with some older kids.  They were all just sitting around near the entrance , too cool  I suppose to go all the way in.  Maybe they had done it too many times...I don't know.  So I crawl in, and I find this huge baseball sized piece of tarmac.  It's gotta be 6 lbs.  I guess I just wanted to see how far I could hurl it down the tunnel.  I wound up and fucking chucked it like I really meant it. I remember  the screaming.  It seemed like the screams began the exact moment the rock left my my hand.  I had hit the oldest, biggest and toughest of the boys right in the temple with my overhand asphalt curveball.  He cried like a much younger kid I thought.........but in his defense , there was a shitload of blood.  Blood. Blood . Blood. His blood.  Everywhere.  I also remember thinking if this kid doesn't come to kill me in the next few days, his parents will.  After a week of worry, I sort of forgot about it.  I hadn't heard he died, or  that he was looking for me.  So I took that as great news.  I haven't hit anyone with rocks ever since.

Yesterday I was on Facebook chatting with some dude from Belgium.  He informs that there is now an 8th Trappistine bier.  I was like 'cut the crap'..........for realsies?   There is now an 8th Trappist monestary/brewery .  Although it's not in Belgium, like those posers at De Koningshoeven in the Netherlands. (i'm just screwing around) but this one is in Austria.  I can't speak to the deliciousness of the beer but I do know one thing.  There is not a crappy Trappist beer.  Chimay is creamy good .  Orval, even tastier.  Westmalle Trippel being the best beer ever to pass my lips, but I can't wait to taste this .

I think me, Jimmi and Tom are going to have to pay another visit to the beer bistro soon.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Goon Ride

This Blog is back by popular demand

Tonight was the weekly ride that leaves High Park (across the street from my house) and heads out to Port Credit.  Its basically like a Donut Ride. I don't know how to make that a hyperlink but you can google 'Donut Ride Toronto'.  The only difference is that there is a smaller group, the ride is shorter, a different route, and the ratio of racers to non racers is higher.  So , basically it has little in common with the Donut Ride.  I guess I just compare the 2 rides because a few of the crazy riders from the Donut show up here.  There's this one dude who is really hairy, he looks like a starving gorilla and he has the weirdest fashion sense, and looks pretty awkward on the bike.  Try to stay in front of him.  There's several guys like that. Fuck, I may be one of them.........They probably say 'that dick in the green and white, with the sweet Italian bike and perfect 100rpm cadence, he is always chopping wheels.....he raced for Kurzawinski last year....'

File Photo: Not the Thursday Goon Ride

Tonight the hero's of the ride tried to take us on a different route.  I guess it was ok.  Seemingly less traffic than going down the Queensway.

Anyways a few of us either got caught behind a light or let the main group get away.....I actually can't remember now, but it was me, and Bobby and Ian from Wheels of Bloor and 1 other dude.  We didn't seem to be catching them, and we were hitting all the lights.  Then after a lot of strong pulls by Ian and even stronger wheelsucking by me , Bobby took a long one  that basically launched Ian into warp 9.7 and he took off and caught those guys up front.  One of which was my Teammate Johnny Power.  The power was on tonight, but still on the ECO mode, always saving some for the sprint at the end.  Although Ian managed to beat down that Sweet Pete's guy like a red-headed step child up the final sprint climb, always good.

Basically it's not that friendly a ride, I mean no one wants to talk with Z-Team in those funny kits, and the guys riding can never recognize them from week to week.

Anyways, no crashes, no car accidents, no flats.

Moving Time:1:57:47
Elapsed Time:2:07:08
Avg Speed:31.4 km/h
Avg Moving Speed:33.8 km/h
Max Speed:61.6 km/h