Friday, July 20, 2012

Fairies wear boots

I find myself alone and drinking a lot of strong beer some nights. I imagine it has something to do with partial child custody......being 5 minutes from a great Liquor/Beer store.........

I was flying.  I could taste vomit .

So yesterday I buy a pile of delicious trappist beers as well as some Leffe and Duvel.  As I walk over to pay I see some lonely cans of Molson Canadian lager.  I used to drink that crap when I was a stupid mountain biker. So I came up with a great plan to do an A to B taste test.   Like Pepsi to Coke.  Or Honda to Toyota. Or chicken to KFC.

So first I grab my trusty steel bottle opener.  I got it from a bar that sells Stella, the manager gave it to me.  It's a nice piece.  I crack open a sweet Duvel and pour it into the corresponding glass.  It looks like a goddamn waterfall of joy and bliss.  Smells like a good dream.  The smell of fruit and spice is damned glorious.   I know beer better than I know spices so  I may be off on my comparisons but I think I can taste corinader and pear .  The head is thick and takes forever to calm down.  I don't even know how long, as I drink it too quickly.  It taste's so good it makes me angry that other beers even exist.  I want to go burn down breweries that make shitty beers, punch their wives and children in the face and kick all the stupid employees in the nuts.  I don't understand why someone wants to make a beer that tastes like .....nothing.  Let's take Coors Lite as the gold standard for shit beer.  There is no reason to drink it.  it's 4%, so you can't get drunk on it.  It has no taste.  Like a lasagna made by a mother who is afraid to go near a spice rack.  No discernible taste.   Just bubbles.

This brings me to my second beer.  The mighty Molson Canadian.  For a short period I drank this beer, many years ago.  I was in bad place.  I had yet to experience the glory that was Leffe Brun.  So my standards we low.
Anyways, this beer has no real smell, except to equate it with that of a crappy alternative dance club at 2:00am.  Similarly, it has no real taste.  Sure it has the fizz that all great beers have.  That's the easy part.  Perrier mastered that. So Molson shouldn't have an issue either.  The problem with Canadian is that they call it "Canadian" as though a bland , low alcohol  by volume beer is representative of our nation.   Why don't they try putting ingredients on the bottles?  I want to know what type of beer flavoring they use , and how little wheat, barley and hops they use as opposed to corn product.  Maybe I'm wrong.  maybe they have half a dozen angry monks living there at the brewery near the airport in Toronto.  Retarded unionized monks that specialize in making really weak, tasteless beer that almost always leaves the drinker with a deadly hangover.  Not me. Not this sucker.  I'm going to drink one more devil beer before bed, then I'm going to do the 120km Donut ride at 9am.

Regardless......Molson beer is to beer what Walmart is to customer service.   Duvel is to beer what  Bruce Lee, Eddy Merckx and Ron Burgundy are to men.