Vamanos Pest

Lately I have been getting up at record early times so I can go out an ride.  The Morning Glory west end ride begins at 5:40am.  But today I drove out to Kitchener to ride with a pal at 7:30am.  We took and awesome route from Kitchener out to Cambridge, through Roseville, New Dundee and whatever the hell else you wanna put in there.  I have so many good friends because of cycling, it's one of  the best things about riding/racing ......all the awesome people you get friends with. We banged off a decent paced 60km on some pretty good rollers on roads with little-to-no cars.  With only one motorcyclist illustrating his mental deficiencies.

Then , earlier this evening an idea hit me like a dance club sucker punch.  My son had been awake all day, so with this instinct I have recently developed I was able to surmise that he will be tired and go to bed early.  So , why don't I put the last nail in the coffin and make him walk up to the Liquor store with me?   I grab a few Chimay's............then I see this new weird looking bottle in the shape of a Buddha.  It's some Chinese Beer called Lucky Buddha.  I bet they don't call it that in China, so it's probably marketed for Westerners who also like to think they understand the concept of karma.  My plan is to do a side by side taste test almost just like I did several weeks ago with Duvel Moortgat and Molson Canadian.  (Spoiler Alert!!!!!!! Canadian got slaughtered, because it's a crappy watery tasting , bland, no hoppy, no anything but a bit of head Beer).

Rucky Buddha.  It's capped, not twist off.  Score one point.  Cool bottle.  Score second point.  I opt to pour it into a tall DeKoninck glass as the smell and colour reminded me a bit of that beer.  It had a small head after being poured and it smelled ok.  Unlike Grolsh which often smells like total skunk ass.  But after trying it thought to myself , I know what I hate...and I don't hate this.  Which isn't to say I would buy it ever again, but I won't bash the crap out of it like 100% of the beers ''brewed" at the big 3 breweries.
It's smell also reminded me of whatever I used to drink when I was 17---  Superior lager was often the beer of choice as it was dirt cheap.  I wonder if that stuff is still around?  Anyways, this Buddha beer smelled good and didn't taste like crap but it was about 5% lighter than what I normally enjoy.  So it was a pretty average beer for the commoners who enjoy products like Wonder bread, Trek Bicyles, BBQ sauce instead of hot sauce,   Kung Fu instead of BJJ, Blackberry phones, Cold Play and U2 and crappy average shitte like that.   Lucky Buddha scores a whopping 5/10 on the Trev scale of awesome beer quality.  I recommend this beer to slightly heavy but lovely bastards like Rob Stoeser.  It would go well with a extra large pizza with a lot of cheese and a bottle of sweet Frank's Extra hot.

About 45 seconds after I got up and decided not to drink any more Buddha beer I reached for a delicious and nutritious Chimay (it took me 4 tries to spell nutritious correctly just then) .  What can I say about one of the finest Trappist beers that hasn't already been said by mouth's with brains?  At 7% I would guess those monks consider this a possible trippel.  I think.  I think a dubbel is reserved more for the 6% ballpark and below, but whatever.  I once heard an insane man say that Chimay Red was a bit too chewey.  He sounded insane and should have been medicated.  I agree that Chimay white cap is superior to Premiere but only just.
Everyone should drink Chimay , and also later drive to  a Molson or Labatt brewery and whip their  giant trappist bottles into the parking lot so they will know you don't like, and won't put up with crappy beers .  I  mean, we're not talking about cheese slices here, where even the crappy no name brand slices are still pretty good.  Trappist beer is for people with a pouch who also shun the mainstream.

In the cursed earth 
Where mutants dwell 
There is no law 
Just a living hell 

Fairies wear boots

I find myself alone and drinking a lot of strong beer some nights. I imagine it has something to do with partial child custody......being single.....living 5 minutes from a great Liquor/Beer store.........

I was flying.  I could taste vomit .

So yesterday I buy a pile of delicious trappist beers as well as some Leffe and Duvel.  As I walk over to pay I see some lonely cans of Molson Canadian lager.  I used to drink that crap when I was a stupid mountain biker. So I came up with a great plan to do an A to B taste test.   Like Pepsi to Coke.  Or Honda to Toyota. Or chicken to KFC.

So first I grab my trusty steel bottle opener.  I got it from a bar that sells Stella, the manager gave it to me.  It's a nice piece.  I crack open a sweet Duvel and pour it into the corresponding glass.  It looks like a goddamn waterfall of joy and bliss.  Smells like a good dream.  The smell of fruit and spice is damned glorious.   I know beer better than I know spices so  I may be off on my comparisons but I think I can taste corinader and pear .  The head is thick and takes forever to calm down.  I don't even know how long, as I drink it too quickly.  It taste's so good it makes me angry that other beers even exist.  I want to go burn down breweries that make shitty beers, punch their wives and children in the face and kick all the stupid employees in the nuts.  I don't understand why someone wants to make a beer that tastes like .....nothing.  Let's take Coors Lite as the gold standard for shit beer.  There is no reason to drink it.  it's 4%, so you can't get drunk on it.  It has no taste.  Like a lasagna made by a mother who is afraid to go near a spice rack.  No discernible taste.   Just bubbles.

This brings me to my second beer.  The mighty Molson Canadian.  For a short period I drank this beer, many years ago.  I was in bad place.  I had yet to experience the glory that was Leffe Brun.  So my standards we low.
Anyways, this beer has no real smell, except to equate it with that of a crappy alternative dance club at 2:00am.  Similarly, it has no real taste.  Sure it has the fizz that all great beers have.  That's the easy part.  Perrier mastered that. So Molson shouldn't have an issue either.  The problem with Canadian is that they call it "Canadian" as though a bland , low alcohol  by volume beer is representative of our nation.   Why don't they try putting ingredients on the bottles?  I want to know what type of beer flavoring they use , and how little wheat, barley and hops they use as opposed to corn product.  Maybe I'm wrong.  maybe they have half a dozen angry monks living there at the brewery near the airport in Toronto.  Retarded unionized monks that specialize in making really weak, tasteless beer that almost always leaves the drinker with a deadly hangover.  Not me. Not this sucker.  I'm going to drink one more devil beer before bed, then I'm going to do the 120km Donut ride at 9am.

Regardless......Molson beer is to beer what Walmart is to customer service.   Duvel is to beer what  Bruce Lee, Eddy Merckx and Ron Burgundy are to men.