Yesterday I went to the Ontario Sports Center in North York. I got my VO2 max test done, a useless caliper test of body mass index and got weighed on a guaranteed-to-be- accurate scale. I sort of felt like a superstar as the place was empty so all eyes were on me. Basically all I did was ride on a $30,000 SRM stationary bike for 45 minutes so we could dial it in and get me comfortable. Although it was only a warm up ride I was sweating like a pig. They told me that the next day would be much, much worse.
Enter the next day. I show up at 9:30. After swallowing and electronic pill that measures my core temperature I read the package. THIS DEVICE CONTAINS MERCURY. Perfect. I don't drink water from shit plastic bottles, don't microwave plastic, don't smoke crack, or wear Aluminum Oxide anti-perspirant. But here I am eating mercury. (weird.....my thyroid aches, and there are wolves after me....)
I show up and they make me do a near 30 minute warm up. No fan. No blowing air. Just riding in a room, at room temperature. I'm sweating profusely. Then, as quickly as I'm finished, my man tells me to put on this winter jacket. And not just a regular winter jacket, this one plugs into the computer. So, just like that actress who married that dummy from 'that 70's show" it can ever so slowly get hotter and hotter.
I have to ride at 90 RPM for 90 minutes while wearing this bad Gap jacket. Again, no fan, no blowing breeze, no fresh air. Just me sucking re-circulated wind from out of a crappy semi-sky scraper. At least I'm allowed to drink water but in keeping with my usual long rides in the heat, I didn't drink very much. I ended up losing about 3.5 lbs. Granted that was 90% fluid but 'man-alive' I looked thin when I was done.
I have to go back in 2 days to do either a worse test or an easier test. They won't tell me.
Regardless, it still wasn't as bad as trying to chase Bruce Bird and the Wheels of Bloor guys on Sunday.
Here are pics of me doing this thing, accompanied by a wicked picture of my dinner.
Enter the next day. I show up at 9:30. After swallowing and electronic pill that measures my core temperature I read the package. THIS DEVICE CONTAINS MERCURY. Perfect. I don't drink water from shit plastic bottles, don't microwave plastic, don't smoke crack, or wear Aluminum Oxide anti-perspirant. But here I am eating mercury. (weird.....my thyroid aches, and there are wolves after me....)
 |
| It's hard to believe that I used to have arms....this photo must be stretched. I am not that skinney. |
I show up and they make me do a near 30 minute warm up. No fan. No blowing air. Just riding in a room, at room temperature. I'm sweating profusely. Then, as quickly as I'm finished, my man tells me to put on this winter jacket. And not just a regular winter jacket, this one plugs into the computer. So, just like that actress who married that dummy from 'that 70's show" it can ever so slowly get hotter and hotter.
 |
| Hair getting messy, genitals growing numb. |
I have to ride at 90 RPM for 90 minutes while wearing this bad Gap jacket. Again, no fan, no blowing breeze, no fresh air. Just me sucking re-circulated wind from out of a crappy semi-sky scraper. At least I'm allowed to drink water but in keeping with my usual long rides in the heat, I didn't drink very much. I ended up losing about 3.5 lbs. Granted that was 90% fluid but 'man-alive' I looked thin when I was done.
 |
| I'm sweating like hell and just riding the bars. |
I have to go back in 2 days to do either a worse test or an easier test. They won't tell me.
Regardless, it still wasn't as bad as trying to chase Bruce Bird and the Wheels of Bloor guys on Sunday.
Here are pics of me doing this thing, accompanied by a wicked picture of my dinner.
No comments:
Post a Comment